How Shopping and Anxiety Go Hand-in-Hand
I find myself obsessively shopping to get out of a funk
The Madewell tab with five things in my cart sat open for two days. I’d see it every time I’d walk into my room and think “I should probably check out now.” But each time I stopped myself. Each time I thought “but, do I really need these things?” On the best days I can easily talk myself out of it. On the not so best days, I can’t.
I finally sat down to hit “checkout” and it asked me to sign in. So I entered my information, clicked sign in, and waited. The circle of death started spinning while I opened up another tab to start in on some work. I clicked back over and it was still spinning. Back to the work. Now back to Madewell, and the still spinning log in.
Finally, I hit refresh and suddenly everything I put into my cart was gone. I stared at it for a second, confused, wondering what in the world just happened. And then I laughed (at myself? the situation?) and clicked out of the site. I wasn’t going to go back and hunt through everything that had been in my cart. It felt like a sign - I don’t need those things.
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My mood has been up and down over the last couple of weeks. I assume it’s a part of my cycle and that soon I’ll feel invincible, but right now I just feel anxious. My feelings about myself very quickly spiral into not feeling good enough or assuming that everyone I come into contact with hates me.
And when my roller coaster of emotions gets to me, that’s when I shop. Sometimes it’s “window shopping” like on the Madewell website. Sometimes it’s going to the next town over, the town with the “good stores”, and spending money on books I certainly don’t need at Barnes & Noble. Sometimes I’m not even buying things for me, I’m buying things the kids want, even if I know that a week later they’ll be sitting untouched under their beds.
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We’re at GameStop after having been to multiple stores. We’re spending the day wandering with our best friends and this is the last stop before we grab an early dinner. Before walking in, I told my kids that we weren’t buying anything. I had already bought them both things at Five Below before we got here.
Henry’s friend collects Funko Pops and he found one he wants to get. “Can I get something, too?” Henry asks me.
“No, I told you we weren’t buying anything in here,” I remind him.
“But, he’s getting something, so why can’t I?”
It’s at this point that I realize this anxiety shopping of mine hasn’t affected just me, it’s affected them, too. They know now that when I’m in the mood to shop, I like to buy them things. No matter that I set monetary limits for the day. They’ve now gotten to the point that they’re asking for things day in and day out and I know that’s my fault. I encourage this behavior because I do it myself.
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I’m sitting at my desk staring at my to-do list. I’m finding it tough to get up the motivation to work. For the last few weeks, I have been moving non-stop. I take Henry to swim practice, do a workout, come home and immediately get to work for a few hours - pausing to make the boys lunch - and then we change and go to the pool for the rest of the night.
There is no time in there to sit and be still. To read a book and enjoy the fact that it’s summer and I can rest. That I’m expected to rest, in fact. And though I’m sitting at the pool, talking with my best friend in the next pool chair over, it isn’t actually what I need.
I need that time to take deep breaths, to sink into a book that has completely captured my attention. I need the time to enjoy my home without being at my desk. I need to play games, and draw, and do other things that fill my cup.
And when I’m struggling to find that time, that sacred safe for myself, I open up another tab for another shop and I search “petite wide leg jeans”. Because in my mind, having those jeans will open up a portal where I feel calm and settled. And truly, I know better. Logically I know that adding another pair of jeans to my wardrobe, no matter how on trend, isn’t actually what I’m searching for.
I’m searching for stillness. For calm. And I’m not going to find it in the New Arrivals section of the Madewell website.
From the Archives:
Thank you for validating that I’m not alone in this exact behavior! To help with doom spending online, the “save for later” tab on Amazon is my best friend because it will give me that second (or third or fourth) opportunity to rethink it before buying, but I still get the dopamine fix of browsing. Also, I often will “shop” online through Instagram links and stay within Instagram rather than opening the link in the browser. I put items in my cart, set my phone down and walk away, then when I come back to it, Instagram has refreshed and I lost what it was I was looking at in the first place! Chances are I won’t even remember what it was I was looking at because really I was just seeking that thrill of imagining how I would use whatever it was and didn’t really need it. Still looking for tips on how to avoid anxiety shopping when out in actual stores though, so I’ll take any ideas!! Everything just always seems like the “perfect” thing in that moment!
I think it’s awesome that you are aware of what is going on. That’s the first thing you need in order to change something. And I also relate to this post. I have a tendency to shop/window shop (online) when I’m not feeling well. Maybe because laying around gets so old. Maybe because there’s a kind of dopamine boost in shopping and looking at cute/pretty/interesting things. But just like you, I don’t really need this stuff. I honestly just want to feel better. xo