I’ve been married for eleven years now and every once in awhile I get this little jab from someone in my life, or something in the media that I’m somehow doing marriage wrong.
I’ll just be carrying on, living life, and then BOOM, something comes into the periphery that tells me that the way we’re functioning can only spell doom for our marriage. That because of choices we make, we’re going to fail at this.
And as the child of divorced parents, that’s definitely something that makes me perk my ears up.
Growing up I didn’t have a good representation of marriage in my life. My parents divorced when I was four, and though both of my parents remarried, neither of them were good marriages, and neither of them stuck. I also can’t recall growing up dreaming about my own marriage, or even my wedding. I always knew I would get married, but it wasn’t first on my bucket list.
As with having kids, marriage wasn’t a priority - getting a career that I loved was. And so when I met my now-husband, I don’t think my heart instantly thought HERE HE IS, THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Instead it said “this guy is hot, and he’s funny, and he challenges you, you should keep him around.”
Obviously I eventually got to the point that I wanted to marry him and I’m glad everyday that he wanted the same thing. But now, as we’ve built this life together, with sometimes non-traditional ways of living, I’m struck with those opinions coming from different angles, some I really respect, others that I can easily brush off.
But I thought I’d throw these ways in which we do things differently out there in case you, too, sometimes feel like society (or those well-meaning people in your life) are telling you that you’re doing it wrong.
We don’t always prescribe to traditional gender norms.
We do in the sense that I’m, for the most part, the caregiver for our kids - I do the doctor’s appointments, and keep track of what clothes they need. But my husband is definitely involved, and always has been - including middle of the night feedings and diaper changes. He is the breadwinner and makes sure the lights stay on in the house. When it comes to household chores we split things pretty evenly for the most part- he is in charge of outside things (mowing, leaf blowing, snow shoveling, trash), I’m in charge of inside things (vacuuming, laundry, picking up) - but the cooking falls to him most of the time. I despise cooking, and while I wouldn’t say that he enjoys cooking, he tolerates it more than I do so he’s on cooking duty most of the time (he’s also just better at it than I am). He also does the dishes after, which hallelujah!
We keep our finances separate.
This is one that drives my sister insane, but it’s worked for us for the fifteen years we’ve been together so why change it? We have a joint savings account, but other than that, we keep our checking accounts separate (they’re even at separate banks). Early in our marriage we based who paid what household bills on a percentage scale. He earned X percentage more than I did, so he paid X percentage more of the bills than me. We still mostly do this, but now it’s more like “okay I need some help this month, so can you cover this bill.” But this way he does whatever he wants with his money (t-shirts!), I do whatever I want with my money (books!), and we come together to pay for things for the kids. Also, I’ll be honest, it’s a lot less stressful only having to keep track of one account and not both of ours. We do still talk prior to a large purchase or when we need something big for the house, but this flow works really well for us.
We sleep separately.
This is one that even feels weird to admit because so much of society (and specific people in my life) have said that THIS is the thing that is going to break our marriage. But here’s the thing, I am a very light sleeper, and my husband snores - not overly loud, but when you’re as light a sleeper as I am, I will hear it regardless. We tried for a very long time to make it work but I was always tired because I was barely sleeping or I was getting up at 2 am to go sleep on the couch and then he’d feel terrible about it. And because I was so tired, I was constantly mad at him since, you know, it was “his fault”. So now, we sleep separately and for the most part, we both sleep better this way. Do I wish that we could make it work? I do, because I do genuinely like my husband’s presence. But I also know that if I’m constantly angry at him because I’m so tired, that isn’t doing our marriage any favors.
I don’t think our marriage is doomed because we choose to pay our bills separately, or we don’t spend 8 hours a night sleeping next to one another. I don’t think it makes us weird that my husband does the cooking while I sit back and enjoy it.
And, I don’t think that we’re showing our kids a skewed sense of marriage. I think we’re showing that we’re two adults who are choosing what works best for them. We’re showing them they have parents who love and respect one another. And they’re seeing that they get to choose what marriage looks like in their own lives someday.
I think what matters more than a joint bank account is that we still laugh together.
I think what matters more is that my husband is still my favorite person.
I think what matters more is that I still think my husband is hot, and funny, and challenges me.
I think what matters more is that we’re building a life that works for US, not for anyone else.
And I wish society would catch up to the fact that there are multiple ways to make a marriage work, and not one of them is the right way. It’s about what works best for the two people inside the marriage, not what those on the outside believe is right.
Thank you for your transparency in sharing this. Doing what works for you and the fact that you still like each other and want to be around each other matters more than doing what someone else feels is traditional or “right”.
Love love love this so much! My husband and I got married later in life (and subsequently had kids later too), and we do some things differently too. He does the dishwasher (he's the Scandinavian architect and I'm the meth racoon from the memes), handwashing of dishes and I do the cooking because I love it. He does the kids' bath times and bedtime routine, but I do other things for the kids. I agree that what we're showing our kids is that they get to choose someone who compliments them and that laughter, love and connection are more important than the "roles" we play per society.