Recently my friend
suggested a podcast to me called What Works, hosted by - specifically episode 434. I had been thinking a lot about not only moving to Substack for this newsletter, but also about my feelings on social media. I hadn’t been quite able to put into words what it was about social media that was feeling particularly bad. The best I could sum up was “I just don’t like it.”But then, during a morning walk, I turned on that episode of What Works titled “What Do We Really Want from Social Media?” and Tara said a phrase that literally stopped me in my tracks, caused me to get my phone out of my pocket, and take her words down immediately. She said:
It’s not for connection, but performance.
And I immediately thought, yes! That’s it! That’s my entire problem with social media. Social media was supposed to be this place of connection. But in the past few years, it hasn’t felt that way. No matter how often we claim I AM SO AUTHENTIC, none of it felt that way to me. Sure, I’ve made plenty of great friends there, but there was something so performative about all of it.
I’ve talked with coaches and marketing experts and plenty of people in the business space as I tried to make my business into something “better” and they all encouraged focusing on social media - building connections - but not doing it in an icky way. And yet, having a lead list, setting aside a certain number of minutes each day for “connection”, going to competitor accounts to hopefully find new people, none of that felt right to me. They told me to think about it in terms of me finding the people I could help. But I couldn’t get it out of my head that that’s not what I was doing.
I was mining Instagram for new clients. Plain and simple.
And I hated that feeling.
I was talking with a girlfriend recently about this feeling of needing to find more people and how off-putting it feels to the both of us. We both absolutely love having those deeper, more involved conversations in our DMs when people reach out to us. But the following new people in the hopes they’ll become our people? That felt weird.
And I realized that what I was truly wanting out of all of this was the connection. That’s why I’ve always put so much attention into my newsletter (previously called Little Love Notes). I love the feeling of writing something that others can relate to. I love to hear back from you when a piece has particularly resonated with you. I love hearing your experiences, no matter how much they are the same or different from my own.
That’s what I wanted out of social media. And it’s exactly what I wasn’t getting. It was so much about performance, not connection.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still on social media. But I’ve given up the strategies. I’ve stopped posting on my feed and instead use Stories when it feels right, or when I have something to share. Will that change in the future? It might. But I’d much rather spend my time here, where I can express my thoughts, where I can connect with you, and where I can stop being strategic and just be me.
My entire career has been built on the idea of “me, too.” Around the thought that when we can share pieces of ourselves, we can help others feel less alone. It was my entire mission when I started my business in 2015, and it’s still my mission now, even though the vehicle looks different.
And when I keep that idea in mind, when I remember that my business has been built on CONNECTION, that’s when I’m able to see clearly where I want to go and what I want to be doing.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on social media. What does it feel like to you, whether you’re a business owner or not? Does it feel like it’s about connection, or performance? Let me know in the comments or by replying to this email. Thank you for being here and supporting Human Feelings.
This very much sums up my feelings towards social media, and is why I’m devoting my energy to this space instead! I’ve never really had a strategy on SM but notice I just feel ‘off’ and a bit heavy when it comes to posting... particularly on my grid. I actually really enjoy the chatting away part and sharing little personal things that make me feel joy on stories... for that exact reason... connection... but I don’t like the way I feel a bit trapped when I’m on it. I’ve been deleting the app from my phone for the most part and consciously adding it back when I want to share or connect and then deleting it again straight away. It helps me not default to checking in on it! I think so many of us are trying to unravel the business/socials side of things!!! Over here it feels way more genuine! Xxx
I’ve been struggling with using social media for years. I’ve been off of them since April, and find that my mental health is so much better. Not only that, but I feel more present in my life.
I thought that I would miss connecting with the people that I love following, but I’ve actually come to realize that most of the conversations I was having on social media were very base level, often superficial. There really wasn’t much connection going on at all.
From a business standpoint, I always felt gross about all the suggested performances for growing my following and couldn’t bring myself to keep doing them, if I managed to get myself to try at all.
I’m still not sure how to go about supporting my business in ways that feel good, nor how to continue to connect personally with those I wish to, but I feel confident that the social media game is not where I want to put my energy.