Thank you for sharing your story Sarah, there’s so much in here that resonates with me. Self-reliance is not about always doing everything by yourself, it is also about asking for what you need. Many of us have learned that asking for help is a sign of weakness but it is actually a sign of great strength to allow yourself to rely on someone else. We were never meant to do it all alone ❤️
Really breathtaking vulnerability. And inspiring that, no matter what stage of life or relationships, that we can always find ways to reflect and grow, to love, and let others love us.
This is so beautifully written, Sarah, and wow, do I hear you! I think you've got a great husband, and he is very different than your father, so yes, take some baby steps in letting him help you, in being vulnerable with him. I'm curious -- what were you listening to about attachment styles? I heard about attachment styles recently from my therapist, and she explained that I am an anxious attachment style, and Dan is an avoidant attachment style, which makes complete sense, and I can explain later, but I see why I am very much this way looking back on my own childhood. I am proud of you that you would be fine on your own, independent and self-sufficient, but let yourself be helped by your husband (and vice versa) every so often. It will only strengthen your (already good) relationship!
Thank you, my friend. I am definitely working on letting him in that little tiny bit more that I've been holding back. Thankfully he's willing to let me do this on my own terms.
The book, for anyone curious, was Come As You Are.
This one hits hard. I also have an amazing, loving and supportive husband, but I’ve definitely found myself acting this way before, particularly around money. I have a hard time being financially dependent on other people and trusting that money won’t have strings attached, something I’m having to grapple with now that we have a baby and I’m considering decreasing how much I work.
Yes!! That financial aspect, especially, wanting to protect yourself (and now a baby) can be so hard to loosen control on. We want to trust that our people are our people, but I think sometimes not having that growing up can be really hard. Hang in there. <3
Sarah, this is an amazing amount of insight. I wish I had understood my complex relationship with my absent father. As daughters, we tend to romanticize our “daddies” and when they fall short, and ours fell further than most, we are left with feelings of abandonment and “less than”. I’m glad, for obvious reasons, that you are finding it more comfortable with Brandon and his commitment to you and your family.
Isn't it funny, that we think for so long that we're doing just fine, that no matter our upbringing we've sorted it all out. And then boom, something goes and hits us over the head with the fact that maybe we're not as okay as we thought. I'm just glad that Brandon has a good relationship role model, in you and Joe, so that he can love me through it all.
Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable with us. That takes real guts.
As a social worker, I learned about attachment theory ages ago. My father died when I was 17, and before that, he was clinically depressed. My parents were still married, but it was a confusing attachment situation on the whole. It contributed to me getting into a few unhealthy relationships with men in my 20s.
Without trying to be trite and simply say, “get into therapy,” I can tell you that it’s helped me enormously to reflect on that particular attachment relationship which then helped me leave an emotionally abusive man. It then helped me securely attach to my husband (of now 20 years) without making him my “Daddy replacement” nor being convinced that he’ll “abandon” me the way my dad did. I guess what I’m saying is that while learning about secure and insecure attachment is fairly new to you, it’s not new at all to any therapist worth their salt. It’s basically therapy 101. Look at it like an investment you’d be giving yourself and also to your sweet husband.
You may already be accessing therapy, and if so, I hope you feel enough trust to explore this with them. It’s so great that you’ve identified this. By the way, I’ve been in therapy on and off for decades and I’m still identifying things from childhood that are affecting me to this day (at age 48).
I've definitely been thinking more and more about therapy in the past couple of years, especially as I've leaned more into learning why I do certain things that I do. I know that there are certain things that could certainly benefit from talking to an outside party.
And also, thank you for sharing with me your story. It's always nice to hear that you're not alone, even when the thing you're going through isn't so pleasant.
Thank you for sharing your story Sarah, there’s so much in here that resonates with me. Self-reliance is not about always doing everything by yourself, it is also about asking for what you need. Many of us have learned that asking for help is a sign of weakness but it is actually a sign of great strength to allow yourself to rely on someone else. We were never meant to do it all alone ❤️
Your last line will stick with me, because you're absolutely right. We're not. Thank you for this.
Really breathtaking vulnerability. And inspiring that, no matter what stage of life or relationships, that we can always find ways to reflect and grow, to love, and let others love us.
Yes, absolutely. I turned 40 this year and it's been interesting how much growth there still is. Thank you for reading.
This is so beautifully written, Sarah, and wow, do I hear you! I think you've got a great husband, and he is very different than your father, so yes, take some baby steps in letting him help you, in being vulnerable with him. I'm curious -- what were you listening to about attachment styles? I heard about attachment styles recently from my therapist, and she explained that I am an anxious attachment style, and Dan is an avoidant attachment style, which makes complete sense, and I can explain later, but I see why I am very much this way looking back on my own childhood. I am proud of you that you would be fine on your own, independent and self-sufficient, but let yourself be helped by your husband (and vice versa) every so often. It will only strengthen your (already good) relationship!
Thank you, my friend. I am definitely working on letting him in that little tiny bit more that I've been holding back. Thankfully he's willing to let me do this on my own terms.
The book, for anyone curious, was Come As You Are.
This one hits hard. I also have an amazing, loving and supportive husband, but I’ve definitely found myself acting this way before, particularly around money. I have a hard time being financially dependent on other people and trusting that money won’t have strings attached, something I’m having to grapple with now that we have a baby and I’m considering decreasing how much I work.
Yes!! That financial aspect, especially, wanting to protect yourself (and now a baby) can be so hard to loosen control on. We want to trust that our people are our people, but I think sometimes not having that growing up can be really hard. Hang in there. <3
So beautiful and real Sarah, thank you for sharing this story with us.
Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you.
As a therapist who is also insecurely independently attached to my partner.... YES.
I'm definitely glad I'm not alone in this - but also, I'm sorry that you struggle with this, too.
Sarah, this is an amazing amount of insight. I wish I had understood my complex relationship with my absent father. As daughters, we tend to romanticize our “daddies” and when they fall short, and ours fell further than most, we are left with feelings of abandonment and “less than”. I’m glad, for obvious reasons, that you are finding it more comfortable with Brandon and his commitment to you and your family.
Isn't it funny, that we think for so long that we're doing just fine, that no matter our upbringing we've sorted it all out. And then boom, something goes and hits us over the head with the fact that maybe we're not as okay as we thought. I'm just glad that Brandon has a good relationship role model, in you and Joe, so that he can love me through it all.
Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable with us. That takes real guts.
As a social worker, I learned about attachment theory ages ago. My father died when I was 17, and before that, he was clinically depressed. My parents were still married, but it was a confusing attachment situation on the whole. It contributed to me getting into a few unhealthy relationships with men in my 20s.
Without trying to be trite and simply say, “get into therapy,” I can tell you that it’s helped me enormously to reflect on that particular attachment relationship which then helped me leave an emotionally abusive man. It then helped me securely attach to my husband (of now 20 years) without making him my “Daddy replacement” nor being convinced that he’ll “abandon” me the way my dad did. I guess what I’m saying is that while learning about secure and insecure attachment is fairly new to you, it’s not new at all to any therapist worth their salt. It’s basically therapy 101. Look at it like an investment you’d be giving yourself and also to your sweet husband.
You may already be accessing therapy, and if so, I hope you feel enough trust to explore this with them. It’s so great that you’ve identified this. By the way, I’ve been in therapy on and off for decades and I’m still identifying things from childhood that are affecting me to this day (at age 48).
In solidarity 💛
I've definitely been thinking more and more about therapy in the past couple of years, especially as I've leaned more into learning why I do certain things that I do. I know that there are certain things that could certainly benefit from talking to an outside party.
And also, thank you for sharing with me your story. It's always nice to hear that you're not alone, even when the thing you're going through isn't so pleasant.