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It sounds so old when I say this - but I remember the early days of the internet. The days when we used the CDs in the mail to get free internet, the sounds of AOL Instant Messenger when a friend or (even better) a crush got online, and the dial up sound will forever haunt my dreams. Those days, for us “elder Millennials” were exciting because a whole new world had just opened up to us. And looking back, the best part was that we couldn’t take it with us. The internet lived inside the big boxy computer on our family desk.
I got my first cellphone when I turned 16 way back in 1999. It was a bright yellow Nokia that didn’t fold, didn’t have the Internet, didn’t do anything except the thing phones were meant to do - call people. I had just started driving and had an after school job so the cellphone felt important. I was only allowed to use it at certain times of day so that I didn’t rack up a huge bill, but even so, that brick of a phone felt like freedom.
I can’t remember a time since I was 16 that I haven’t had a cellphone. And now that I’m 41 I’m realizing just how long it's been that people have been able to instantly get in touch with me. And even scarier, just how long I’ve been building my addiction to this computer in my pocket.
Henry turned 10 this year, and it was never a thought in our minds that we’d get him a phone for his birthday. He isn’t ready, for many reasons, but mainly because we just don’t think he’s responsible enough to care for something that expensive. But even so, we looked around and he is quite literally one of the only kids in his friend group and/or grade that doesn’t have a phone. Most of the kids his age have had their phones for a couple of years now. Thankfully, he’s never complained about it, or told us he feels left out. (Please note: If you’re one of our friends who have given their kids a phone, this isn’t a judgment at all on you. This is me, processing in real time.)
Last summer we got him an Apple Watch because he wanted to be able to walk to a friend's house in the neighborhood and I wanted a way to easily get in touch with him. It felt like a low barrier to entry and gave him a bit more independence. He rarely uses it on the day-to-day (and the entire fourth grade banned smart watches this year), but does like to have it on while he swims, or in the summer.
But we’ve started thinking a lot about when that time is that we’ll allow him to have one and I’ve just wanted to push it further and further down the line, knowing just how addictive it is. He’s already more addicted to his iPad than I’d like him to be, but I know the phone would open up a whole new level of addiction - mostly, because I know that I’m addicted to my own, and my husband is addicted to his.
We’ve put a lot of rules into place, especially lately, on screen time. Would you be interested in hearing about them? Let me know!
We finally settled on the age of 12, but even that feels so young to me. But if you look around, there are kids Harrison’s age (6) that have phones now so maybe this is a me-problem, and I’m not changing with the state of the world.
And honestly, it’s not even the phone itself that I’m worried about. I’d like to be able to text him if he’s not at home, or to call him from the stands when he’s down on the pool deck at a meet. I’d like to be able to drop him off at a birthday party knowing he could get in touch with me when he’s ready to leave. I’d like him to learn more responsibility by taking care of something that’s pricey and always making sure it’s charged. I’d like to let him have a bit more independence while still being connected to us at home.
It’s everything else that comes with a phone - namely, social media. We’ve already told him that when he does get a phone, he won't be allowed social media right away. And when he is, there will be very strict guidelines around it. Because I know that even as an adult, social media is not good for my mental health, and I’m actively working on changing it.
I found this episode on the 10 Things to Tell You Podcast really helpful when thinking about giving Henry a phone.
The idea of Henry being on social media, with all of the negative consequences that come with it, make me want to never give him a phone. I don’t want him exposed to the bullying and hatred that come along with it. I don’t want him having to grow up faster than he needs to by hearing things that aren’t appropriate for his age. I don’t want him trading his actual life for one that’s online - the way so many of us adults have done these days (myself included).
I want him to just be a child, and to enjoy his childhood without worrying about likes and followers and what he might be missing inside of the screen on his phone. And the rates of mental health struggles and depression in Gen Z and younger (not exclusively, but definitely related to phone usage) has me on edge just thinking about the possibility.
This podcast episode from Radio Atlantic was really fascinating - namely in the ways that Gen Z talk about wanting to do away with social media but can’t because their friends have it.
As parents we always worry that we’re doing the wrong thing - and with something this big, I don’t want to screw it up. When is it developmentally appropriate to give Henry a phone, while also making sure he isn’t socially falling behind, or being left out? How do you balance one with the other?
Parents, I’d love to hear from you - when did your kids get their first phone? In hindsight, do you feel like it was too early, too late? Just right?
I had to laugh when I read this along with being grateful that cellphones didn’t exist when my now grown son was growing up. He must have been about 16 and already had older friends who drove. To preface this, we lived in Orange County, CA surrounding with families that gave kids new cars for their birthday and lived in expensive gated communities. We weren’t in that tax bracket nor would we have done that.
One afternoon he came home with a pager. I questioned him about it. “Are you a drug dealer now and customers need to contact you?” I was joking but I failed to see why he needed it. It seems his friends often (?) needed to contact him and had no way to.
Jonathan Haidt just released a book about younger generations and phones/social media. My dad grabbed my copy as soon as it came in so I haven't read it yet, but some of the things I've seen from it are fascinating, including this: https://www.instagram.com/p/C43TYaxufO3/