The Embarrassing Reasons I Actually Left Social Media
And how my son's gut punch contributed to it
I stepped away from social media for the summer five days ago and in that time I’ve thought through my relationship with the technology a lot more. Where I thought I was leaving because I wanted to have more space to do other things, to not waste my time there, to set a good example for my kids, it turns out that wasn’t the whole truth. And in the short space I’ve had from it, it’s become clearer and clearer what was actually going on that wasn’t making me feel good.
And as embarrassing as it is to admit these things, I wanted to be transparent about where I am in case it helps you better understand your own relationship to the platforms. I’m not saying everyone needs to take a social media sabbatical, but I sometimes think it’s helpful to figure out what exactly is causing the decisions we’re making.
In no particular order, these are the things I’ve uncovered that contributed to my decision to leave for the summer.
Filters + How I Saw Myself - The Paris filter always made me feel like my best self. It was a simple swipe and suddenly my wrinkles disappeared, my eyes were brighter, and I was blemish free. And I liked the way I looked on stories. That is, until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror a few minutes later and realized that I didn’t look anything like that. I’m 41 - I have wrinkles (and in truth my forehead wrinkles have been around as long as I can remember), I still battle acne, and while my eyes are typically a bright blue, filters can make them look unreal. And while I’m working to accept my body the way that it is, using a filter on my face didn’t support me in that goal.
Taking Photos to Post - I don’t lead a very exciting life. I work during the day at a desk in the corner of my bedroom, I pick my kids up from school, I take them to swim practice, I come home and have dinner and do homework and then bedtime. Rinse and repeat. I found though, that I was forever thinking “should I take a picture of this to put on Instagram?” Do people really need to know that I was sitting at swim practice? Did they need to see each “adventure” we go on? And am I only taking photos to post, or am I taking them to preserve memories? This one is tricky for me because I am a photographer at heart. I love having photos and videos of my boys to look back on. But I realized that I’d be sitting outside reading a book while the kids jumped on the trampoline and I’d think “Oh, I should take a picture of this to post.” As if not posting would somehow deem my life invalid.
And with my kids getting older, I’ve been a lot more selective about what I do and don’t show, what I do and don’t talk about when it comes to them. This is their life as much as it is mine and I want them to have a say in what’s said or shown about them on the internet.
Henry’s Comments on Social Media - There’s been a lot of talk in our household in the last year about when Henry will be allowed to have a phone. At the moment, we’re sitting on 12, but are hoping to push it even further than that. But even so, once he does have a phone, he already knows he won’t be permitted to have social media for a long time. When we talked about this the other day, the conversation went like this:
Me: You know when you do have a phone you won’t be allowed to have social media, right?
Henry: Yeah, I don’t even want social media.
Me: You don’t?
Henry: No, I don’t want to be addicted to it. I don’t want to have to have an app that blocks me from going on something because it’s addictive.
Ouch.
He was referring to the fact that I was using the One Sec app to reduce the time I spent on Instagram and Facebook. What I thought was a smart step in the right direction, he interpreted as something completely different - and his version was more correct, if I’m honest. But still, that was a gut punch. And I want to be a role model for my kids, one who has a healthy relationship with their phone in general, and social media in particular.
Using Stories to Determine if I’m Interesting - This is possibly the most embarrassing thing to admit, but I have no doubt I’m not the only one who does this. I was finding that when I’d post a story, I’d obsessively check back to see not only how many people were watching, but if certain people (people I deemed cooler than me) had seen it. As if by them viewing something of mine on their phone, it would increase my own worth. The sad thing is, I knew I was doing it, and yet I couldn’t help it. But I didn’t want to seek my validation anymore based on someone’s swiping habits.
Trying to Be Likable - For each of these, it comes down to one simple fact: I was trying to be likable to people on the internet. I wanted to show off a beautiful life, I wanted to be seen as flawless, I wanted to share things that I felt like I should be sharing. And if I didn’t post about one cause or another (regardless of if I actually knew what the cause was for), I felt like a shitty human. And honestly, it’s exhausting to constantly chase the feeling of being liked. If there’s one thing I’ve gained from being in my 40s, it’s leaving behind this necessity to be liked by people in my real life - so why should my online life be any different?
It’s realizing that I had all of these secretly lingering feelings that’s making me feel even more confident in taking the summer off. It serves as a reminder of exactly how toxic social media can feel to me, even without the comparison and the news anxiety and the horrible things people can say to one another. All of these reasons are internal and removing myself from the situation has felt a lot better than I ever expected.
Here, here, Sarah! It’s hard to write about those vulnerabilities but as you’ve probably figured out, so many of us feel the same way and it’s very healing to hear it from another person 🫶🏽. Thank you!
Great post, Sarah! Enjoy your summer! You don’t need social media to tell you that you are a valuable and special person—you just are. 😊